Shadow Self and Shadow Work

Your shadow self is the part of you that you’ve buried or hidden away, often without even realizing it, since you were a child. When we’re young, we absorb countless messages from the people we love about what parts of us are “good” and what parts are “bad.” Maybe you were praised for being polite or for sharing your toys, or perhaps you heard things like, “Don’t be selfish,” or “Good kids don’t act that way.” As children, we don’t yet have the ability to step back and decide what to take personally. Everything feels like it’s about us, and we internalize it all.

If someone we deeply love and depend on tells us we’re being bad or doing something wrong, we might start to believe that there’s something inherently wrong with us. To protect ourselves, we try to focus on the traits that earn love and approval—like being helpful, agreeable, or quiet. At the same time, we might start pushing down other parts of ourselves—our wants, needs, or feelings—especially if we were punished or shamed for expressing them. For example, maybe you learned early on that expressing anger wasn’t acceptable, or that crying too much made people uncomfortable. Over time, you might have hidden those emotions to fit in and feel safe.

As these messages pile up, they start to form the beliefs we hold about ourselves. We might believe we’re only lovable when we’re accommodating, or that wanting things for ourselves is selfish. These beliefs become so ingrained that we rarely stop to question them. But here’s the truth: just because you believe something doesn’t mean it’s true. Many of the stories we carry about ourselves are based on misunderstandings or on someone else’s subjective opinions. Recognizing this can be a powerful step toward freeing ourselves from these limiting beliefs.

This process often happens without us realizing it, and it’s shaped by the messages we receive. For some of us, those messages were direct and harsh—like being scolded or punished for wanting attention, for being “too much,” or for having big emotions. As a result, we create a kind of mask, or false self, to protect us and keep others happy. This mask becomes our way of surviving, but it can also keep us disconnected from who we really are.

It’s important to understand that the shadow self doesn’t just hold what we might call “negative” traits. It can also include beautiful and creative parts of us that weren’t nurtured or celebrated. Think about a child who loves to draw or sing but grows up in a household where academic success is prioritized. They might hear things like, “Stop wasting time,” or “Focus on what really matters,” and begin to believe that their artistic passions aren’t valuable. Over time, they may disconnect from those parts of themselves, tucking away talents and joys that felt dismissed or unimportant.
When we’re unaware of our shadow self, it has a way of showing up in how we see and judge others. For example, if you find yourself quick to label someone as selfish or arrogant, it might be worth reflecting on whether those traits exist in some small way within you—and whether you’ve been denying or avoiding them. It’s a hard truth to sit with, but the things that irritate us most about others often point to parts of ourselves that we’ve disowned. Sometimes, we even overcompensate by doing the opposite, like going out of our way to prove how generous or humble we are, as a way of avoiding our own discomfort.

This projection isn’t limited to the so-called “bad” traits, either. We also project positive qualities onto others. Maybe you’ve admired someone so much that they seem larger than life, like they’ve got it all figured out. It’s easy to forget that the qualities you see in them—their confidence, kindness, creativity—also exist within you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to recognize them in the first place. When we do the work of exploring our shadow self, we can start to see and reclaim those hidden strengths and gifts in ourselves.

At its core, your shadow self isn’t something to fear or avoid. It’s a part of you that’s longing to be seen and accepted. When we take the time to gently acknowledge and integrate these hidden parts—both the messy, complicated pieces and the beautiful, creative ones—we become more whole. Meeting your shadow self is really about meeting your full humanity. It’s about holding space for every part of who you are, even the parts you’ve been taught to hide. And as you learn to embrace all of yourself, you’ll find it becomes much easier to offer that same compassion and acceptance to others. This is the path to living as your fully expressed, authentic self.
​
Yes, it’s vulnerable work, and it takes courage. But the rewards—a deeper connection to yourself and to the world around you—are so worth it.