When the holidays hurt

The holiday season is often described as “the most wonderful time of the year,” filled with warmth, togetherness, and joy. But for many, this time of year feels anything but wonderful. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one or navigating the pain of estrangement, the holidays can be a stark reminder of what—or who—is missing.
It’s important to know that your feelings are valid, and you’re not alone. There are a couple of ways this can and do show up for folks. And man, it's so much harder at the holidays.

Grief from Loss: When Someone You Love is No Longer Here
​The absence of a loved one during the holidays can feel like a spotlight is shining on the empty space they once filled. Traditions that once brought joy might now feel hollow or bittersweet, and memories of past holidays can bring an aching sense of loss to the surface. One way to move through this grief is to find a way to honor the person you’re missing. Perhaps you light a candle in their memory or add something special to your holiday decorations that reminds you of them. It might help to share stories with others who loved them, keeping their spirit alive through connection. Some find comfort in starting a new tradition—a small act like making their favorite dish or donating to a cause they cared about can be a gentle way to bring them closer.
Most importantly, just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling without judgment. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it’s okay if the waves of sadness come and go, even years later.

Estrangement: The Grief of What Could Have Been
For those estranged from family, the holidays can bring a different kind of grief. It’s not just the absence of connection that hurts—it’s also the loss of what might have been, the idealized version of family that the season so often glorifies. Social media, holiday movies, and even advertisements can make it feel like everyone else is surrounded by love and joy, deepening the sense of isolation.
If this is your experience, it’s okay to acknowledge and grieve what’s missing. Family estrangement is complex, and so are the feelings it stirs. During the holidays, leaning on chosen family—the friends or loved ones who truly support and accept you—can offer a source of comfort. Creating new traditions that reflect who you are now may also help the season feel more like your own.
And it’s worth reminding yourself that your worth isn’t tied to whether your family can or will embrace you. You are deserving of love and connection, even if it doesn’t come from the people you expected.

Finding Comfort
The holidays don’t have to look a certain way to be meaningful. If the traditional gatherings or expectations feel too painful, you can give yourself permission to step back and do what feels right for you. Maybe that means spending the day in quiet reflection, or perhaps it’s finding solace in giving back to others. Volunteering may provide a sense of purpose, but you don't have to do anything at all if it doesn't feel right. Again, just allow yourself to be human and sad and understand that pain and loss are normal human emotions. Reaching out for support can also make a difference. Whether you confide in a trusted friend, join a support group, or work with a therapist, sharing your feelings can lighten the emotional weight you’re carrying.
Above all, remember that healing is not linear. Some days might feel lighter, and others might bring an overwhelming sense of loss. That’s okay. Healing isn’t about “getting over” grief but rather learning how to carry it while still finding moments of meaning and connection.

Redefining the Season
This holiday season, you have permission to experience the holidays in a way that honors your feelings. If that means stepping away from traditions that no longer serve you, that’s okay. If it means redefining the season to include moments of peace or even joy, that’s okay too.
Grief can reshape how we approach this time of year, but it doesn’t have to erase it. By creating space for yourself and your emotions, you may find comfort in places you didn’t expect. You’re not alone in this, and your experience matters—every part of it.